FLABINATI: The Ways of the Fat Lad Cycling Disciple
Powered by pie, we live by the sacred gospel of the Fat Lad disciple whereby the rule of bolder cycling is prescribed. We are the keepers of the cake and all things pastry, living by our potential muscle and straightforward attitude, we preserve this way of life through abiding by these simple truths.
Rule #1// Re–write the rules.
Rule #2// Obey the rewritten rules.
Rule #3// Lead from the back.
Rule #4// No excuses, unless you’ve got an excuse.
Curry night at the pub can be classed as an appropriate excuse.
Rule #5// FLAB the f*ck up.
You might outlast us, you might outclimb us but you can’t outspirit a Flabber.
Rule #6// Free your waistband and the rest will follow.
Rule #7// Waists and chests are to be measured in inches.
All Flabbers are to be accurately measured in inches prior to donning their gear.
Rule #8// Bike, clobber and cake choice must be carefully matched.
Clobber should be FLAB and FLAB only. Red jersey, red bike = Red Velvet cake, simples.
Rule #9// Refer to weight as “potential energy”.
Downhill gradient + Potential Energy = Speed
Rule #10// Represent the FLAB cycling disciple at all times.
When passing any fellow cyclist one must greet them with a simple “Ey Up” or “now then”.
Rule #11// Family comes first, always.
If you put your bike before the important things in life then you are breaching the rules and will be banished.
Rule #12// The correct number of pies to consume is P+1.
While the minimum of pies to be eaten should never fall below 2 in one sitting, the correct number is P+1. Where P is the number of pies already consumed.
Rule #13// If you ride on Friday 13th, get a grip you’ll be fine.
Rule #14// Enjoy rather than endure.
Rule #15// Protect the crown jewels with padding.
Any injuries to the nether regions will not be pleasant for anyone involved.
Rule #16// The top of a hill must be enjoyed as a group.
All cyclists that do not wait for their comrades to climb the hill are to be thrown out of the FALBinati with viguor.
Rule #17// Fat shall be referred to as potential muscle.
Just like potential energy, potential muscle is just as important.
Rule #18// Dress correctly.
Snacks in pockets are classed as FLAB uniform.
Rule #19// Always greet fellow Flabbers with a warm introduction.
Anyone not introducing themselves will be referred to as 'flanonymous'.
Rule #20// Respect your mind and body.
Listen to yourself, you know what's best for you.
Rule #21// Café stops are essential.
When refreshments are involved one must obey. It is Non-Negotiable.
Rule #22// A FLAB out cycling in any weather is badass.
Rule #23// Be self-stufficient.
Always carry snacks, be prepared to share.
Rule #24// Beer is in fact a hydration fluid.
Science is wrong.
Rule #25// Don’t be a Wazzack.
Rule #26// Socks are to be as loud and proud as you.
Rule #27// If you’re going to order a Flat White at the café stop, don’t feel the need to announce it to everyone.
Rule #28// There are only three treatments for pain.
- Think about why you started.
- Have a pint.
- Victoria Sponge.
Rule #29// The old rules are dead, long live the FLABinati.
Rule #30// Join us and be proud.
With thanks to Velominati and their inspiring collection of The Rules - To submit your suggestions to our tongue in cheek version, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
Check out the original Velominati rules - http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/